Picasso at the Lapin Agile By Steve Martin

Picasso at the Lapin Agile 

By Steve Martin 

Gaston (singing offstage): Ta ra ra boom dee re, ta rah rah boom 

dee re, ta rah rah boom de re, ta rah rah boom dee re. 

Freddy (looks up, rhapsodic): There‘s something in the air 

tonight (pause, Freddy Sneezes) 

(A man about 60, Gaston, enters) 

Gaston (singing): Ta ra ra boom dee re, ta rah rah boom dee re, 

ta rah rah boom de re, ta rah rah boom dee re. 

Freddy: Well, Gaston, you sound like you‘re out of your bad 

mood. 

Gaston: Yes, darn it. Woke up this morning, good mood. Nothing 

I could do about it. Ta ra ra boom dee re, TA rah rah 

boom dee re… Darn my memory, what‘s the next lyric? 

Freddy: I don‘t know, but my guess is it‘s ―Ta rah rah boom dee 

re.‖ 

Gaston: Great song. I wonder who wrote it? 

Freddy: Two East Indian guys. Ta Rah and Rah Boom Dee Re. 

Gaston (sits): I have too pee. 

Freddy: Already? You haven‘t had a drink yet. 

Gaston: One day you‘ll understand. 

(Gaston gets up, moves toward the toilet. Through the

door, Einstein age twenty-five, 

speak 

enters, hair slicked and neat looking. Einstein prepares to 

to Freddy. Gaston 

starts too go to the toilet, then stops.) 

Einstein: I‘ll be sitting there. I‘m to meet a woman. 

Gaston (to Einstein): Oh, shut your face, you little pip-squeak! 

Freddy (to Gaston): Hey! You don‘t even know him. 

Gaston: I have a feeling. 

Freddy: Still, you can‘t just insult someone right out of the blue. 

Gaston: But I‘m French. 

(Gaston exits) 

Einstein: Do you have absinthe? 

Freddy: One absinthe coming up. 

Einstein: I‘m supposed to meet her at six o‘clock at the Bar Andis 

just as much chance of her wandering in here accidentally as 

there is of her wandering into the bar rouge on purpose. So where 

I wait for her is no importance. It is of no importance where I tell 

her I will be. And the least of all, it‘s not important what time I am 

to meet her. 

Freddy: Unless… 

Einstein: Unless what? 

Freddy: Unless you really want to meet her. 

Einstein: I don‘t follow.

Freddy: If you really want to meet her, you‘ll go to the bar rouge at 

the time you told her. 

Einstein: You‘re forgetting one thing. 

Freddy: what‘s that? 

Einstein: She thinks like I do. 

Freddy: Here‘s your iced tea. 

Einstein: I asked for absinthe. 

Freddy: no difference. 

Gaston: I can describe the woman you‘re waiting for. 

Einstein: So can I! 

Gaston: But I‘ve never seen her. I can describe her hair, her 

clothes, her smell even. 

Einstein: Go ahead. 

Gaston: But I need something. 

Einstein: Like what? 

Gaston: Women are my area of expertise. And like the 

paleontologist, I can reconstruct the creature from a bone. But I 

need a hint. 

Einstein: How did you get to be such an expert? 

Gaston: by looking. 

Einstein: So you‘re an admirer of the feminine equation? 

Gaston: yes, but I never touch. It‘s my saving grace. In that way, I 

glide among them, invisible. So I need a hint. 

Einstein: yes a hint. She has long red hair.

Gaston: Ah. One of those. Hard to control because she‘s so dang 

pert. She runs you, doesn‘t she? Her speech will be short like her 

skirt. She‘ll it over there and cross her legs and control the room. 

She‘s controlling it now Look at us, talking about her, all because 

she has long red hair. 

Einstein: Sounds like you really know women. 

Gaston: Never met one really. 

Einstein: Never met one? 

Gaston: Not in my new incarnation as an older man. Women 

respond differently to men of different ages. I‘m only newly old. 

Just getting used to it, really. My name is Gaston. 

Einstein: My name is Albert Einstein. 

(Freddy looks up suddenly) 

Freddy: You can‘t be. You just can‘t be. 

Einstein) 

(Freddy crosses from behind the bar and approaches 

Einstein: Sorry, I‘m not myself today. (He fluffs his hair, making 

himself look like Einstein) 

Freddy: No, no, that‘s not what I mean. In order of appearance. 

Einstein: Come again? 

Freddy: In order of appearance. You‘re not third. (Taking playbill 

from audience member.) You‘re fourth. It says so right here: Cast 

in order of appearance. I knew you were fourth. I knew it when 

you walked in. 

Einstein: And yet you said nothing? 

Freddy: I couldn‘t put my finger on it, but now I can.

(Freddy gives back the program) 

Einstein: I take your point. Toilets! 

Gaston: Behind that door. 

Einstein: Thank you. 

(Einstein exits. The waitress, Germaine, thirty-five, enters. 

She in Freddy‘s girlfriend) 

Germaine: Sorry I‘m late. 

Gaston: You‘re not late; you‘re third 

swallows it) 

( Germaine walks behind the bar and pours herself a drink, 

Freddy: where were you? 

Germaine: at home darling 

Freddy doing what? 

Germaine: Sitting in front of the mirror. 

Freddy why 

Germaine just looking . Seeing what all the fuss is about. 

Besides, a mirror is like a mind: If you don‘t use it, it loses the 

power to reflect 

Freddy: Well, you should try to be on time, sweetheart. 

Germaine: oh, don‘t be old fashioned – these are the naughts 

Freddy this is the fourth day your late 

Germaine: Are we going to fight? Let‘s not fight, Freddy lets be in 

love like yesterday. (she hugs him) so tomorrow I can say lest be 

in love like yesterday ( second hug) always. (Another hug) always

Freddy: (breaks away) okay always 

Germaine(walks away) I love you even though you give me 

nothing. 

Freddy: what? 

Germaine ( as in ―oh nothing‖) nothing 

(Einstein reenters, again from the street. He perfunctorily 

goes through his dialogue, panting.) 

Einstein: I‘ll be sitting there. I am to meet someone. A woman. I 

am to meet her at six o‘clock. At the Bar Rouge. (Then to Freddy) 

All right? 

Germaine: Bar Rouge? This is not the… 

Gaston: Don‘t ask. 

Germaine: Hey, Gaston. See any good ones today? 

Gaston: Saw a good one yesterday as the shops were closing. I 

tried to hold her in my memory but she faded. All I remember now 

it a white linen blouse with just a whisper of brassiere underneath. 

It was like seeing a sweet custard through a veil of meringue. 

(An attractive nineteen-year-old girl, Suzanne, comes 

through the door. She it street smart and in charge, and there‘re 

probably a few more broken hearts just from her walk to the Lapin 

Algile) 

Suzanne: I‘ve heard Picasso comes here. (Pause. They all look at 

her. ) Does he? 

Freddy: Sometimes. 

Suzanne: Tonight? 

Freddy: Maybe.

(This pleases her. She takes an article of clothing out of 

her bag. She turns her back to the audience and unbuttons her 

blouse, but before she takes it off, she stop and speaks first to 

Freddy) 

Suzanne: Look away. (Then to Einstein) You look away too. (She 

looks at Gaston.) I guess you‘re okay. (She takes off her blouse, 

revealing a black bra underneath, and puts on a new, sexier top.) 

Okay. 

Gaston: darn! 

(They all turn. She sits at a table and waits) 

Freddy: What‘s the matter? 

Gaston: Now I have to consider everything, I‘m wearing today to 

be lucky. Every time I go out now, it‘s ―not without my lucky hat, 

not without my lucky coat, not without my lucky shirt.‖ 

Suzanne: I‘d like some wine. 

Germaine: Any special color? 

Suzanne: Red please. 

(Germaine gets the wine from FREDDY.) 

Germaine: Do you know Picasso? 

Suzanne: Twice 

Germaine: Is he expecting you? 

Suzanne (as in ―of course‖): I think he‘s expecting to see me. 

Einstein: Who is this Picasso? 

Germaine, Freddy, and Suzanne: He‘s a painter… 

Freddy: He‘s a painter or says he‘s one. I‘ve never seen his 

paintings, only what he says. Nuts about blue, they say.

Suzanne: Oh yes, he‘s a painter. I‘ve seen them. He gave me a 

drawing. 

Freddy: What are they like? 

Suzanne: They‘re strange, really. (she refers to the sheep 

painting on the wall) Not like that, I‘ll tell you. 

Freddy: Nothing wrong with this picture. Got it out of my 

grandmother‘s house just after she died; well, actually, while she 

was dying. Sheep in a meadow in the fog. Beautiful. 

Einstein: That‘s not what I see. 

Freddy: And what do you see (with pejorative emphasis), 

Einstein? 

Einstein: I prefer to take it further. Observe how the sheep are 

painted small, consumed by the weather and the terrain. So I see 

―the power of the landscape over the small things.‖ For me, it‘s the 

meaning that gives it its value. 

Gaston (dismissive): Jesus Christ! Sheep. Meadow. Fog. Period. 

Germaine: There‘s a problem. 

Einstein: What? 

Germaine: Well, it seems to me, if you judge it only by its 

meaning, then any bad painting is just as good as any good 

painting, if they have the same meaning. 

(there is a pause while everyone thinks) 

Einstein: Women! 

Gaston: I would like a wine. The purpose of wine is to get me 

drunk. A bad wine will get me as drunk as a good wine. I would 

like the good wine. And since the result is the same no matter

which wine I drink, I‘d like to pay the bad wine price. Is that where 

your headed, Einstein? 

Freddy: I really don‘t think that‘s clever, Gaston. 

Suzanne (reaches in her bag and produces a folded-up piece of 

paper): Want to see the drawing he gave me? (Suzanne hands it 

to Einstein. He gets up, walks downstage holding the drawing up, 

and examines it in the light.) 

Einstein: I never thought the twentieth century would be handed to 

me so casually… scratched out in pencil on a piece of paper. 

Tools thousands of years old, waiting for someone to move them 

in just this way. I‘m lucky tonight; I was open to receive it. Another 

night and I might have dismissed it with a joke or a cruel remark. 

Why didn‘t it happen before, by accident? Why didn‘t Raphael 

doodle this absentmindedly? 

Freddy: What do you think of the drawing? 

Einstein ( innocent): What could it matter? 

Freddy: Huh? Let me see it. (He looks at it) Hmmm. Yeah. Here. 

(Freddy hands it to GERMAINE.) 

Germaine (looks at it): I like it all right. 

(Germaine offers it to Gaston, who looks at it.) 

Gaston: I don‘t get it. 

Suzanne: I don‘t think it looks like me. 

Einstein: There you go. Four more opinions. I wonder how many 

opinions the world can hold. A billion? A trillion? Well, we‘ve just 

added four. But look, the drawing stays the same. 

Freddy (takes Einstein‘s glass to fill it up): Hey, look. What kind of 

a person would I be if I didn‘t form an opinion? I see the drawing, I

think about it, I form an opinion. Then I see other people, and I 

express my opinion. Suddenly, I‘m fascinating. ( He drinks 

Einstein‘s drink) and because I‘m so fascinating, someone else 

sees the drawing, and they have an opinion, and they‘re 

fascinating too. Soon, whereas before I was standing in a room of 

dullards, I am now standing in a room of completely fascinating 

people with opinions. 

Suzanne: My name‘s Suzanne. 

Gaston: And you‘re waiting for Picasso. 

Suzanne: Right. Do you know him? 

Gaston: I‘ve heard of him a bit. Big guy, rodeo rider, trick roper? 

Suzanne: Uh, no. . . 

Gaston: What‘s his first name? 

Suzanne: Pablo. 

Gaston: Oh no. Different guy. So how did you meet Pablo? 

Suzanne: I. . . it was about two weeks ago. I was walking down 

the street one afternoon and I turned up the stairs into my flat and 

I looked back and he was there, framed in the doorway , looking 

up at me. I couldn‘t see his face, because the light came in from 

behind him and he was in shadow, and he said, ―I am Picasso.‖ 

And I said ―Well, so what?‖ and then he said he wasn‘t sure yet, 

but he thinks that it means something in the future to be Picasso. 

He said that occasionally there is a Picasso, and he happens to 

be him. He said the twentieth century has to start somewhere and 

why not now. The he said, ―May I approach you,‖ and I said 

―Okay.‖ He walked upstairs and picked up my wrist and turned it 

over and took his fingernail and scratched deeply on the back of 

my hand. In a second, in red, the image of a dove appeared. Then 

I thought, ―Why is it that someone who wants me can hang around

for months, and I even like him, but I‘m not going to sleep with 

him; but someone else says the right thing and I‘m on my back, 

not knowing what hit me?‖ 

Germaine: Yeah, why is that? 

Freddy : huh? 

Germaine : nevermind. 

Suzanne: see, men are always talking about there things. Like its 

not them. 

Gaston: what things? 

Suzanne: the things between there legs 

Gaston: ah, yes Louie 

Freddy and Einstein: Ahhh… 

Suzanne see! Its not them; its someone else. And its true; its like 

some rudderless firework snaking across town. But women have 

things too they just work differently the work up here( she taps on 

her head) so when the gut come on to me through here he is 

practically already don. So the next thing I know he is inside the 

apartment and I said ― what do you want?‖ and he said he wanted 

mu hair my he wanted my neck my knees my feet. He wanted His 

eyes on my eyes his chest on my chest he wanted the chairs in 

the room the notepaper on the table; he wanted the paint from the 

walls he wanted to consume me until the was nothing left he said 

he wanted deliverance and that I would be his savior and he was 

speaking Spanish which didn‘t hurt ill tell you well at the point the 

word no became like a polish village un pronounceable I held out 

for seconds frankly I didn‘t enjoy it that much ‗cause it was kinda 

quick. 

Gaston: Premature Ejaculation?

Germaine : is there any other kind 

Freddy : huh? 

Germaine: Nevermind. 

Suzanne: so then as I was sitting there half dressed he picked up 

a drinking glass of which I have two and looked at me through the 

bottom he kept pointing at me and turning his hand like a 

kaleidoscope and he said‖ even though you‘re refracted you‘re still 

you‖ I didn‘t ask. Then he said he had to be somewhere and I 

thought ―sure‖ and he left. 

Germaine : you saw him again? 

Suzanne : oh yeah, that night he came back with this drawing and 

gave it to me and we do it again . this time in French I enjoyed it 

this time if your keeping score then he got very distracted and I 

said ―wait‖ the matter?‖ and he said he sometimes starts thinking 

about something and can‘t stop ― wait he says he doesn‘t think 

about it he sees it and I said ―what is it?‖ and he said ― it cant be 

named‖ that exactly what he said : it cant be named. Well when 

your with someone who is seeing things you either want to run 

away or go with it. Well, Im going with it and that‘s why im here 

tonight. He told me about this place that he might see me here 

one day and that was two weeks ago. 

Gaston: sex,sex,sex. 

Suzanne: What? 

Gaston: oh nothing just thinking out loud. 

Suzanne: Been awhile? 

Gaston : about eight months. Interestingly I saw a cat in the 

streets and bent over to pet it and it moved out of my reach it 

seemed friendly but nervous so I followed it always moving out of 

my reach it must have been two feet out of my reach for several

locks , ― here kitty , kitty , kitty.‖ When I realized the cat has 

stopped at the foot of a woman. I looked up at her and our eyes 

met older my age but she was dazzling lets just say nice motor 

coil we made love at her place within the hour. 

Suzanne: did you ever make love to her again? 

Gaston : no I didn‘t 

Suzanne : see there you ate she was there you were taken with 

each other you men why is once enough? Why wouldn‘t you make 

love to her again? 

Gaston: I would have but she died and hour later. 

Suzanne: oh 

Gaston: we both wanted to do it again and I told her I needed an 

hour to re juvenate. I went outside and sat with the cat and after a 

while I looked up and they were taking her body out on a 

stretcher. 

Suzanne: oh my god 

Gaston: I cant help but think I killed her 

Freddy: what did Picasso say about my place? 

Suzanne : he said it where artists come to talk about…. Lets see 

…mana…mana… 

Einstein : festoes ? manifestos 

Germaine: anyone want coffee? 

Gaston: that‘s what I could go for ! 

Germaine: cream or black? 

Gaston: no a manifesto! I could really go for a nice juicy 

manifesto. It would be nice to wake up and have a raison d‘ětre to

go with your morning coffee wouldn‘t you say? I have to 

pee.(goes to the loo) 

Einstein : did Picasso say he was working on a manifesto? 

Suzanne: 

Oh no he said he doesn‘t need one and if he did come up with one 

he would have exhausted it be fore he finished writing it down oh 

one thing just before he left he went to the window and reached 

down on the still and like lightning grabbed a pigeon the he held it 

in one hand and turned it upside down and he soothed it and 

talked to it and the pigeon fell asleep. Like it was hypnotized the 

he held his hand out the window and dropped the pigeon and it fell 

two stories upside down like a stone. Then just seconds before it 

hit the grown it turned it self over and started flapping like mad 

and it took off flying straight up above the buildings and just away 

into the night the Picasso turned to me and said that‘s like me 

and he was gone could I have a refill? 

Germaine: ill get it anyone else want a refill? 

Freddy: anybody know what 62 franks 33 minus 37francs17 is ? 

Germaine : why don‘t you let me do that freddy? 

Einstein: twenty-five francs sixteen. 

Freddy: you sure ? 

Einstein: twenty-five sixteen 

Freddy: you‘re positive? 

Einstein: positive absolutely 

Freddy: its just that you came up with that awfully quick 

Einstein: look if you want it to be different there is nothing I can do 

about it

Freddy: ill work on it tomorrow 

Einstein: it will be the same tomorrow 

Freddy: ive got my accountant friend coming in tomorrow; he can 

check it. He checks everything anyway. 

Germaine: jeez, Freddy take his word for it. 

Freddy : are you a professor? 

Einstein : no im Not 

Freddy : what do you do? 

Einstein : by day I work at the paten office. 

Germaine: what do you do there? 

Einstein: by day I register notions. That‘s what they are really, 

notions. Short cut. How to get something to do something quicker. 

Germaine : and what do you do at night? 

Eistein: Ah. At night the stars come out . 

Germaine: the stars in the sky? 

Einstein : the stars in my head 

Germaine: and after the stars in your head come out? 

Einstein: I write it down 

Freddy: uh-huh you been published ? 

Einstein : no not yet 

Freddy: yeah well we‘re all writers aren't we? He‘s a writer that 

hasn't been published and im a writer who hasn't written anything 

Germaine: And you‘re welcome here we get a lot of artists types: 

writers, poets painters. What do you write about? 

Einstein: i…I…I..cant even begin to explain. 

Germaine: try. Simplify it can you say it in one sentence>

Einstein : it‘s about everything 

Germaine: you mean , like relationships between men and 

women? 

Einstein: bigger 

Germaine: you mean like like from birth to death ? 

Einstein : uh Bigger 

Germaine: like the warring of nations and the movement of 

people. 

Einstein: bigger 

Germaine: I see sort of like the earth and its place in the solar 

system 

Einstein: keep going 

Germaine: okay you‘re dealing with the universe and everything 

contained in it . 

Einstein: why stop there? 

Germaine: okay okay how big is this book? 

Einstein: about seventy pages 

Germain : Hmm not too long that‘s good maybe we can put you in 

contact with some of our publisher friends whats the title? 

Einstein: the Special theory of relativity 

Freddy Catchy 

Gaston : judging from the title alone I think it will sell at least as 

well as the critique of pure reason 

Germaine: is it funny? 

Einstein: well…. 

Germaine: because if its funny you can sell a lot of books. 

Einstein: its very funny. 

Germaine: ah it very funny 

Einstein: well actually it depends on what you mean by‖funny‖

Germaine: well does it make you laugh? 

Einstein: no 

Germaine: chuckle? 

Einstein: no 

Germaine: smile? 

Einstein: I wish I could say yes. 

Germaine: but you just said it was funny. 

Einstein: I was trying to sell more books 

Germaine: could it have illustrations? 

Einstein : impossible 

Germaine: why not? Might look good give it some zip. 

Einstein: illustrations are two dimensional 

Germaine: I know what you mean but a good draftsman can give 

you very realistic three- dimensional drawings 

Einstein: I need four. 

Germaine: Einstein im trying to help you you want your book to 

have an impact don‘t you? 

Einstein: sure. 

Germaine: and if you want to have impact you ‗ve got to have 

people read it don‘t you ? 

Einstein : yes. . . 

Germaine : okay in your field how many people do you figure 

have to read it to make an impact> 

Einstein: one 

Germaine: no no no. In order for your book to have impact you‘ve 

got to have a lot of people read it everyman on the street has got 

to have one. 

Einstein: no only one Max 

Germaine: Max?

Einstein: Max planck, a german physicist very influential. If he 

reads it it makes my reputation, 

Germaine: well you‘re lucky if your market is one person and you 

know his name you can put a limit on what your going to spend on 

advertising. How old are you? 

Einstein: I‘m twenty five. 

Gaston: you don‘t look twenty five 

Einstein: I discovered at an early age that im the kind of person 

who will always look eighty six 

Freddy : hey Einstein last week I bought twelve bottles of Chablis 

at seventeen francs a bottle but only seven came how much do I 

owe this guy? 

Germaine: leave him alone 

Einstein: one hundred eighty seven francs 

Freddy : see as long as we got him here we might as well use him 

. I made a deal with Alphonse for a case o f port at twenty six 

francs each he said if I bought six cases he‘d give me a discount 

of 2 to 4 percent but he didn‘t know the year of the port he said if 

the port arrives and it was newer that 1900 he‘d give me 4 percent 

keeping 3 percent on bottles before 1900 and 2 percent on bottles 

after 1895. When I got the cases two cases had nine bottles dated 

after 1900 and 15 before 1890 the rest were split evenly between 

before 1895 and after 1900 the rest of the rest of the three cases 

after 1900 before 1900 and before 1895 respective how much do I 

owe the guy? 

Germaine : OH good grief! 

Freddy: oh I left out one thing he said the sum total of the digits of 

the date of the bottle was greater than twenty –five he would give 

me a 9 percent on those bottles. 

Einstein: Hmmm 

Freddy : he‘s stumped 

Einstein: oh sorry I wasn‘t listening . HA! Just kidding here ‗s you 

answer: 2,245 francs 73 given that the end x ends parenthesis y is 

the mean price per bottle

Freddy: two thousand two hundred forty five did you say ― Y end 

parenthesis x‖ 

Einstein: y end parenthesis x OH …. THAT‘S FUNNY 

(einstein continues laughing pretty soon they‘re all laughing but 

they don‘t know why) 

Freddy: whats the date today? 

Germaine : it‘s the eighth 

Freddy : and the year ? 

Germaine : you don‘t know the year ? 

Freddy : I know the year … its just that sometimes when you 

writing so fast it easy t write down the wrong year sometimes I 

look at the date i‘ve written and its off by ten some time fifteen 

years but now that im thinking about it its I know its 1903. 

Germaine: 04‘ 

Freddy: 04‘ okay come on the year just changed its january 

Germaine: october 

Freddy: The date isn‘t important anyway. 

Einstein: Just put ―first decade of the twentieth century.‖ 

Germaine: Gosh, that‘s what it is, isn‘t it? The first decade of the 

twentieth century. I‘m glad the nineteenth century is over. It was 

bad century. 

Freddy: What‘s there not to like about a century? 

Germaine: Well, for one thing, the pollution. Soot, garbage, 

smoke. 

Gaston: Horse manure 

Germaine: You disagree? 

Gaston: No, I‘m adding to the list. 

Germaine: Oh yeah . . . horse manure. Noise. 

Einstein: This century will be better. 

Freddy: What do you see for the future?

Einstein: Let me ask you. What do you see? 

Germaine: I‘ll answer. I see air travel becoming common, with 

hundreds of people being carried in giant airplanes. I think we‘ll 

see images sent through the air, and the receivers will become so 

popular that mass taste will diminish their potential. The city of 

Hiroshima will be completely modernized. (Einstein‘s head jerks 

toward her.) There will be a brief craze foe lawn flamingos. Vast 

quantities of information will be stored in very small spaces. 

Cruelty will be perfected. By the end of the century, smoking in 

restaurants will be banned.(They all react; how ludicrous.) Music 

by four lads from Liverpool. 

Gaston: Oh, brother. 

Freddy: Uh-huh 

Suzanne (dismissive): Right. 

Sagot: anyone in tonight? 

Freddy: Not that you‘re looking for, Sagot. 

Sagot: I got a Matisse today, small but juicy. A little beachscape… 

give me a rum… I got him to give it to me. Here take a look. It 

says everything about Matisse you want to know. I bought eight 

drawings and got him to throw it in. the smaller it is, the harder it is 

to say it, but no doubt about it, and that things got it all. This will 

hold a wall. Stick it up there. 

Sagot: (stepping back constantly) Look at it… beautiful… still 

works… still working. Still holds the wall. Lost it there. But dang 

you see what I mean? 

Suzanne: not really. 

Sagot: Up to ten feet away, that bar is working for the Matisse. 

Then the bar takes over. (downing his drink) One more Freddy. 

Gaston: anyone feel a draft in here? 

Einstein: what makes it so great? 

Sagot: I‘ll show you what makes it great. (He goes to the bar and 

picks up the Matisse. He takes it out of its frame. He holds up the 

frame.) This is what makes it great. 

Gaston: The frame?

Sagot: The boundaries. The edge. Otherwise, anything goes. You 

want to see a soccer game where the players can run up unto the 

stands with the ball and order a beer? No. they‘ve got to stay 

within the boundaries to make it interesting. In the right hands, this 

little space is as fertile as Eden. 

Einstein: That frame is about the size of my book. 

Sagot: Well, I hope you chose the words carefully. Ideas are like 

children: you have to watch over them, or they might go wrong. 

Freddy: I know what he means. 

Sagot (To Einstein): I told that to Apollinaire; he squiggled and 

squirmed. (To the Matisse:) I‘m going to turn a nice profit on that, 

you watch. 

Freddy: Well, considering you got it free, it might not be too 

difficult. 

Einstein: But you got it because you loved it. How can you sell it? 

Sagot: What do you do? 

Einstein: I‘m a physicist. 

Sagot: Good. Then you must know how naïve a question can 

sound. I‘ll tell you how it works. (He is drinking all the time through 

this.) When I bought it, I identified it. I identified it as something 

worth having. I have named it as a work of art. Once I‘ve done 

that, I don‘t have to own it. It will always be mine. And I guarantee 

you, Matisse is happy about it too. He wants his work out there, 

out of Paris. I‘ve sold to Russia and I‘ve sold it to America and I‘ve 

sold to dealers in Paris, who‘ve sold everywhere. And the dealers 

like to buy from me because, frankly, they don‘t get it, and they 

want me to discern the good ones from the bad ones. 

Einstein: How did you learn to tell the difference? 

Sagot: I wish I knew! But I can look at two pictures that no one has 

ever seen before and know that one is for me (Points in the air) 

and that one (Points to a different place) is for the people whose 

idea of art is something ugly done by a relative. They come to the 

galleries with bags of money and say, ―Show me what you‘ve got; 

taste is no object!‖ (He finishes his drink.) Another, Freddy. 

Freddy: Finally, a customer.

Sagot: Freddy, take out the book. 

Freddy: Come on. . . 

Sagot: No, take it out. 

(Freddy takes out a large book with engraved art plates. He opens 

the pages. Sagot looks at the engravings only.) 

Sagot: Courbet. . .(Freddy flips to another page.) Courbet!. . . 

(Another page.) Courbet! 

Freddy: Wait a minute, this is a book about Courbet. (Freddy gets 

another book, opens the page, and shows it to Sagot.) 

Sagot: Titian! (He takes a drink. Freddy thumbs through the book 

and moves to a different plate.) Raphael! (He takes a drink; 

Freddy shows another plate.) Hmm, that‘s a tough one. 

Gaston: You got the other ones, what‘s so tought about that one? 

Sagot: He‘s got his thumb over the name. (He laughs big at his 

joke.) We art dealers are notorious for our sense of humor! 

Freddy: All right. All right. That‘s enough. (Suzanne holds up the 

Picasso drawing and challenges Sagot. He turns and sees it. 

Sagot smiles.) 

Suzanne: Who‘s this? (Sagot takes in the drawing.) 

Sagot: Was he here this evening? 

Germaine: Not yet. 

Sagot: Are you meeting him here? 

Suzanne: Don‘t know. 

Sagot: I can wait. (He looks more closely at the drawing.) A trifle 

hasty. Do you want to sell it? 

Suzanne: Not for anything. 

Sagot: For fifty francs? 

Suzanne: It is mine forever. 

Sagot (Giving up): Get him to sign it. It‘ll be worth more. (He sits 

down)

Germaine (Indicating the painting on the wall): Hey, Sagot, you‘re 

the expert, what do you see? 

Sagot (Taking a short look): Oh that. I see a five-hundred-pound 

lemon. 

Freddy: What? 

Gaston: I have to pee. (He exits) 

Sagot: I know that there are two subjects in paintings that no one 

will buy. One is Jesus, and the other is sheep. Love Him as much 

as they want, no one really wants a painting of Jesus in the living 

room. You‘re having a few people over, having a few drinks, and 

there‘s Jesus over the sofa. Somehow it doesn‘t work. You could 

put him in the kitchen maybe, but then that‘s sort of insulting to 

Jesus. Jesus, ham sandwich, Jesus, ham sandwich; I wouldn‘t like 

it and neither would He. Can‘t sell a male nude wither, unless 

they‘re messengers. Why a messenger would want to be nude I 

don‘t know. You‘d think they‘d at least need a little pouch or 

something. In fact, if a nude man showed up at my door and I 

asked, ―Who is it,‖ and he said, ―Messenger,‖ I would darn well 

look and see if he has a pouch, and if doesn‘t, I‘m not answering 

the door. Sheep are the same, don‘t ask me why, can‘t sell ‘em. 

(He sits down.) 

Gaston (reentering): Here‘s what I don‘t get. A month goes by, 

every night no different than tonight. People come in, people go 

out. So why do all the nuts show up in one evening? 

Germaine; Picasso‘s definitely coming in tonight. 

Suzanne: I hope he comes in. 

Freddy: Me too. He owes me a bar bill. 

Einstein: I‘d like to meet him. 

Sagot: Maybe I could get a painting out of him. 

Germaine: Well, we have an interest in Picasso; let‘s give a little 

toast to him. 

Einstein: I‘ll do it: to. . .Pi- (They all raise their glasses. Through 

the door, Picasso enters, age twenty-three. He looks a little like 

Rodin‘s sculpture Balzac, only quicker. He seems moody, 

brooding.)

Picasso: I have been thinking about sex all day. Can‘t get it out of 

my mind. 

Gaston: I‘ve been thinking about it for sixty-two years. 

Picasso: I did sixteen drawings today, two in pencil, the rest in ink. 

All women. What does that tell you? It tells me a painter has got to 

stay well screwed. Otherwise, the mind drifts off the easel, out the 

window, and across the street to the grocer‘s daughter. (To 

Einstein.) You were proposing a toast. 

Einstein: Oh yes, to. . . Picasso. 

Picasso: Hey, to him. I mean, did you talk about anything else 

besides me? Did the weather come up? 

Einstein: It was mostly about you. 

Picasso: God, I feel good! How lucky for you! To be talking about 

someone, and then in they come. Anyway, how do I look? Be 

honest. That spot! (He points to the sheep painting.) We‘ve got to 

do something about it. (To Sagot.) Why don‘t you come by 

tomorrow? I have something to show you. Something‘s afoot. The 

moment is coming; I can feel it. 

Gaston: How do you draw something? It seems so impossible. 

Picasso: It‘s all in the wrist. And the wrist starts here. (Picasso 

points to his noggin.) 

Sagot: The last month has been spectacular. I sat in front of the 

last piece I got from you with some friends and explained it for two 

hours. 

Picasso: Did they get it? 

Sagot: don‘t know the left after the first hour I can tell you the last 

hour was lonely hard work . 

Picasso : Forget it the was horrible I tell you this is different 

already there is nothing in my way anymore if I can think it I can 

draw it I used to have an Idea then a month later I would draw it 

the Idea was a month ahead of the pencil only by minuets on day 

they will be simultaneous. Do you know what that‘s like? If you 

can think of it you can draw it? The feeling of clear undiluted 

vision? 

Einstein: I have a vague idea.

Picasso: are you an artist? 

Einstein: bi im a scientist, but sometimes I feel like an artist. 

Picasso: well multiply by a thousand and you know what its like to 

be me . I don‘t believe we‘ve had the pleasure 

Suzanne: well you have. 

Picasso: my name is Picasso. 

Suzanne: how nice for you. 

Picasso: look at it 

Suzanne: it‘s a dove( walks over to sagot) how much? 

Sagot: fifty francs (to Picasso) that‘s a good price isn't it? 

Picasso: yes that‘s fair 

Suzanne : it‘s the price of fame I guess 

Picasso: ( to sagot) how much for the drawing? 

Sagot: what ever you want. 

Picasso: fair? 

Sagot: very fai this one is signed 

Suzanne :sign it 

Suzanne: I would like another drink 

Picasso: ( to the room) and I would like a motorcar can I do that 

sagot? Can I draw my way into a car? Can I draw a camera you 

sell it and suddenly I have a camera ? can I get anything I want 

just by drawing it? 

Germaine: ( to sagot) can he? 

Sagot: not yet 

Picasso : don‘t worry because I never would and don‘t forget it. 

Sagot: anyway if you need a camera I‘ve got one 

Picasso : good wait a minute you have a camera ? 

Sagot: yes I have a camera

Picasso: how did you get the camera? 

Sagot : I bought it 

Picasso : well I have one question if I cant afford a camera how 

can you afford a camera how much are you selling my paintings 

for ? 

sagot : twice what I pay for them 

Picasso: TWICE? Twice im so depressed. 

Freddy : actually that‘s not bad you should here what im making 

on these drinks. 

Picasso: now there are two words I cant stand twice and perky. 

God he‘s good. I hate him! I hate him! I hate…HIM! Just when 

your in the swing of things someone has to come along and ruin it 

for you. Ain‘t it the truth its so New I cant even be mad this is not 

painting its alchemy ouch sizzling hot take it from me folks th boy 

can paint whats he like? 

Sagot: Whats he like? He‘s ernest; talented obviously nice to be 

around… 

Picasso: Ugh 

Sagot : self deprecation… 

Picasso : good saves me the trouble. See Sagot here‘s the 

difference between you and me and you look at that nasty only 

thing and see a picture of some sheep and a land scape . 

Gaston: he‘s not the only one 

Picasso: Right he‘s not the only one . enter….Me! I see it 

differently I see it as an empty frame with something hideous 

waiting to be filled up with something new . advancing out into the 

unknown the un drawn the new thing must be coaxed out of its 

cave wrestled with and finally pinned up on the walking like a 

hide. When I look at Goya its like he is reaching his hand through 

centuries to tap me on the shoulder when I paint I feel like I am 

reaching my hand forward hundreds of years to touch someone 

too. 

Gaston: so its like a relay.

Einstein: I work the same way I make beautiful things with a pencil 

Picasso: you? You‘re just a scientist for me the shortest distance 

be tween two points is not a straight line ! 

Einstein: like wise 

Picasso: lets see one of you r creations. 

Picasso: Draw! 

Einstein: done 

Einstein: its perfect. 

Picasso: thank you. 

Einstein: im talking about mine 

Picasso: its It‘s a formulae. 

Einstein so yours 

Picasso It was a little hastily drawn...... yours is letters 

Einstein yours is lines 

Picasso my lines mean something 

Einstein so do mine 

Picasso mine is beautiful. 

Einstein men have swooned on seeing that. 

Picasso mine touches the heart 

Einstein mine touches the head 

Picasso mine will change the future 

einstein: oh and mine wont? 

Picasso maybe you‘re a fake 

Einstein: maybe your an idiot savant and hold the savant 

gaston WHEN A MAND LOVE A WOMAN... 

Freddy What the hell was that ? 

Gaston i dont know it just came over me

Freddy were ya going ? 

Sagot im going to get my camera a night like this bust me 

preserved on film Picasso do something about that ovine 

pastorale will you 

Picasso the idea is coming 

SAGOT: I like it; sounds good. 

(SAGOT exits) 

Picasso: The idea is coming. THE idea is coming. 

(EINSTEIN dances SUZANNE to her seat. He signs his 

drawing and gives it to her.) 

FREDDY: Hey, tell me if you get this joke: A man goes into a 

bakery and says, ―Can you mail a pie?‖ The baker says, ―Yeah, I 

think we could.‖ Then the man says, ―Well, could you bake me a 

pie in the shape of the letter E?‖ And the baker says, ―Yeah, I 

think we could do that. Come back tomorrow, and we‘ll have it for 

you.‖ So the man comes back the next day, and the baker shows 

him the pie. The man says, ―You idiot! That‘s a big E. I wanted a 

small e, a small e.‖ So the baker says, ―No problem, come back 

tomorrow, and I‘ll see what I can do.‖ So the man comes back 

the next day, and the baker shows him the pie. The man says, 

―Perfect. . .it‘s perfect.‖ Then the baker says, ―So where do you 

want me to send it?‖ And the man says, ―You know what. . .I think 

I‘ll eat it here.‖ 

(The others all star at him. No laughs.) 

FREDDY: Guy told me that the other day; I didn‘t get it. 

Germaine: It‘s surreal. 

FREDDY: I guess that‘s why I didn‘t get it. I‘m a symbolist. 

Germaine: And a good-for-nothing one at that.

FREDDY: You calling me a good-for-nothing symbolist? 

SUZANNE: What‘s a symbolist? 

Germaine: So far, it‘s an excuse for not doing the dishes. 

FREDDY: That‘s not fair. Your post-romanticism has gotten us 

into a lot of hot water around here. 

Germaine: My romanticism is not post! 

FREDDY: It most certainly is! 

Germaine: It‘ s neo. 

FREDDY: Post! 

Germaine: Neo! 

FREDDY: Post! 

GASTON: STOP IT BOTH OF YOU! My God! This is not some 

sleazy drive somewhere. 

EINSTEIN: The reason the joke is funny is because of the perfect 

selection of the letter E. It couldn‘t be an A-shaped pie, because a 

is functioning as both article and noun—who needs it? It can‘t be 

a B-shaped pie because of the confusion of the letter B with the 

insect. And not a C-shaped pie either, because he would have 

never known it was a capital C, because C in uppercase and 

lowercase are the same pie. I‘ll come back to D. An F-shaped pie 

is just plain not funny. An H-shaped pie would be unstable: two 

vertical bars supported by a weaker crossing structure. An I- 

shaped pie is not good because of the dot problem: do you 

connect the dot to the pie, in which case it‘s not an I, or do you 

keep it separate, which raises the question, Is it a dot or is it a 

cupcake? A K-shaped pie has Kafka written all over it. An M- 

shaped pie doesn‘t work because of the M-W dilemma. M to 

whom? And need I mention sigma? An O-shaped pie doesn‘t

work because a pie is O-shaped. A P-shaped pie doesn‘t work 

because of the phrase ―P-shaped pie‖ has this naughty calypso 

rhythm! 

GASTON: Excuse me. You‘re not going to go through the entire 

alphabet are you, because I may only have a few good years left. 

EINSTEIN: Of course not. Some of them are so obvious they 

needn‘t be mentioned. Like Q for example. 

(Big pause while everyone thinks.) 

GERMAINE: All right, what‘s the matter with Q? 

EINSTEIN: Well a Q is just an O with a comma through it, and a 

comma-shaped pie is just a croissant. 

GERMAINE: Thank you. 

SUZANNE: You said you would come back to D. 

GASTON: NO! I have to L... I mean, pee. 

(GASTON exits to the bathroom.) 

FREDDY: Wait a minute, you said the joke was funny. But it 

wasn‘t funny. 

EINSTEIN: Oh yes it is. I laughed. 

Germaine: No, you didn‘t. 

EINSTEIN: Not now, no. I‘ll laugh later. An ice-box laugh. 

FREDDY: An ice-box laugh? 

EINSTEIN: Yes. You don‘t laugh now, but an hour later, you‘re at 

home, standing in front of the ice box, and you laugh. 

GASTON (offstage): E-shaped pie! Hahahahahaha.

EINSTEIN: See? He‘s just getting it now. Probably through a 

process of elimination. (will be in the downstairs lobby when this 

joke is delivered.) (to freddy : ) when did you hear the joke? 

Freddy: A year and a half ago 

Einstein : Maybe you already laughed at that joke when you 

thought you were laughing at something else. 

Freddy you mean, something else funny happened and I laughed 

but really I was laughing at this joke which I may have heard a 

year ago? 

Einstein: Right 

freddy so I might still owe a laugh at the other funny thing that 

happened? 

Einstein: Or not in stead of laughing at the thing that happened 

was funny, but really it was not so you don‘t owe a laugh 

Freddy: So instead of laughing at the thing that I thought was 

funny I as laughing at the thing I didn‘t think was funny 

Einstein Exactly 

freddy there‘s only one problem 

Einstein what? 

Freddy the thin that you think that I think was really funny the cat 

went running across the kitchen floor to leap through the cat door, 

but it was locked. now there‘s no way that wasn‘t funny 

Picasso how about you, my dear? What do you say? 

Suzanne ive had my example of a bad joke. 

Picasso(sits) oh , come one. 

Suzanne: You‘re a womanizing, fraud!

Picasso : If you‘re trying to praise me, that‘s a poor choice of 

words. 

Suzanne : You‘re ridiculous. 

Picasso : Look, I meant everything I said that night . I just forgot 

who I said it to . Stranger things will happen in your young life, 

believe me. Worse things. 

Suzanne : I believe you. 

Picasso : I believed it too. And now that I see you tonight , my 

dear, I‘m believing it all over again. I remember a blue -green bed 

with a rose-colored spread over it. A tin half-moon on the wall , 

holding a candle . On your bedside table , there were three rings 

side by side with small turquoise stones, one with garnet, and next 

to them a pale pink ribbon. Later I picked it up off the floor. I can‘t 

remember your name. 

Suzanne: I never told it to you. 

Picasso: Yes, you did. I remember it now. 

Suzanne: I never told you. 

Picasso: Yes, you did, Suzanne. 

Suzanne: I don‘t remember. 

Picasso: My ear was inches from your mouth. You said your mane 

to me, then spoke words half-whispered, words started and left 

unfinished, mixed with cries, passion obscuring their meaning. (He 

leans in and kisses her) Do you remember? 

Suzanne: Yes. 

Picasso: I drew three pictures of you from memory. 

Suzanne: You did? 

Picasso: But I can do better. 

Suzanne: I‘ll be there later. 

Picasso: That‘s a coincidence. So will I.

Suzanne: I should go now. (she picks up her things) Good-bye, 

everyone. (she goes over to Einstein) Good-bye Al. (to Picasso) 

When will you be there? 

Picasso: When the plays over. 

(Suzanne exits) 

Einstein: The cat door was locked! 

(Gaston reenters from the bathroom) 

Gaston: So who‘s the third? 

Freddy: What do you mean? 

Gaston: Well, in this bar tonight are two men: one is Einstein: the 

other, Picasso. Both nearly the same age, who think that 

somehow their work is going to change the century. So let‘s give it 

to them, and say they are. One. Two. There must be a third; 

there‘s always a triptych: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost; 

the three graces; not to mention that bad news always comes in 

threes. Need I say more? 

Einstein: So who is the third point in the triangle, so to speak? 

Germaine: Maybe it‘s Matisse. 

Picasso: No! Matisse cannot be the third! If he wants, he can be 

the fourth or fifth, but he cannot be the third point in the triangle. 

Einstein: I hate to tell you this, but the idea of a triangle with four 

points will not fly. A triangle with four points is what Euclid rides 

into hell. 

Germaine: Well, who is the third? 

(Enter Schmendiman, bursting in.) 

Schmendiman: You are lucky tonight. You were here at the 

moment, and you heard it straight from the horse‘s mouth. I will be 

changing the century. The other bars know it; you may as well, 

too. 

Einstein: And what is your name? 

Schmendiman: Schmendiman. Charles Dabernow Schmendiman. 

Einstein: And how will you change the century?

Schmendiman: Which one is Picasso i‘ve hers of you nice work if 

you like blue come to think of it its about time for a spaniard again 

i mean its been a long time since ― bell-ath-kweth‖ ....im just 

needling ye you would be interested in my process. creation is 

easy just follow the path of least resistance your suppose ti paint 

butcha feel like dancing DANCE your suppose to write but you 

feel like singing SING thats what i did remember the shortest 

distance is between two points is a foot and a half no pun 

intended 

FREDDY: No pun achieved. 

SCHMENDIMAN: I struggled to be a writer, but my heart told me 

to invent a very brittle and inflexible building material, which by the 

way is called Schmendimite. And I did! That‘s why I know my 

place in history is secure... I followed my heart. Next bar! (He 

goes toward the door, saying like a cheer:) Schmenda... 

Schmenda...men men men! Wait! I just had another idea! A tall 

pointy hat for dunces! (Schmendiam snaps his fingers. He exits.) 

GASTON: What the heck was that? 

FREDDY: I admire his confidence. And nothing else. 

EINSTEIN: Here‘s the way I look at it. We‘re not so much going to 

change the century as bend it. Let‘s say Picasso here is a genius. 

The century is just flying along in space and it flings itself off in a 

new direction. Like a comet veering left at the sun. The century is 

just a zig-zagging along, bending and curving, influenced by the 

powerful gravity of people like Picasso. But the century itself, 

because we‘re in it, appears to be heading straight. 

GASTON: How can something be curved but appear straight? 

Come on, buddy. 

EINSTEIN (sarcastic): Gee, I never thought of that. I guess you‘re 

right. HOW ABOUT THE HORIZON, YOU NITWIT? 

GASTON: Are you trying to get my goat? 

EINSTEIN: No, I‘m just trying to explain something. You‘ll be 

happy to know that not only is the horizon something that appears 

to be straight but is actually curved, but so is space in general. 

GASTON: Horse manure. 

EINSTEIN: Well, it just so happens that it is!

GASTON: Is not! 

EINSTEIN: Is too! 


EINSTEIN: Is too! 


Germaine (to FREDDY): Neo. 

FREDDY: Post! 

Germaine: Neo! 

FREDDY: Post! 

Picasso: Mine is not a formula! 

EINSTEIN (to picasso): Is so! 

FREDDY (to EINSTEIN): Is not! 

EINSTEIN: Is so! 

Picasso (to FREDDY): Neo! 

FREDDY: Post! 

Picasso: Neo! 

EINSTEIN: Hold it! Not only is space curved, but light has mass, 

and it bends when it passes by large masses like the sun at a 

finite speed regardless of the motion of its source! (He gasps.) Uhoh! 

(To everyone:) Oh, my goodness, I can‘t believe I just blurted 

out the ending of my book. What I just said is my business, and I 

hope it won‘t leave this room. 

FREDDY: I‘m glad you stopped me. I was just going to the phone. 

Germaine: You want to hear a woman‘s opinion of this? 

EINSTEIN: There is no woman‘s opinion. This is science. 

Germaine: Are you saying women can‘t be scientists? 

Einsein: No! I‘m saying there are no gender-related opinions on 

this matter. Madam Curie didn‘t say, ―I think I‘ve discovered 

radium; I better check with a man.‖ No man‘s opinion , no 

woman‘s opinion. It‘s sexless.

GASTON: I know the feeling. 

EINSTEIN: What I just said is the fundamental, end-all, final, notsubject-to-opinion 

absolute truth, depending on where you are 

standing. 

FREDDY (notices PICASSO thinking, hushes everyone): Hey, 

Pablo, psst! Pabs...yo, Picasso!...Easel head! Hey, blue boy! 

What‘s with you? 

PICASSO: Sorry, I was just trying to not have an idea. 

EINSTEIN: You have a lot of ideas? 

PICASSO: Endless. 

GASTON: How do you draw something? It seems so impossible. 

PICASSO: What do you mean? 

GASTON: Well, you‘re a painter; you‘re always having to come up 

with ideas. What‘s it like? I mean, the only idea I ever came up 

with was when I had to paint my shutters. I had to figure out a 

color. And I thought about it for a long time. Should they be a 

light color or a dark color? For a while, forest blue seemed nice; 

then, I realized there was no such thing as forest blue. I tried to 

flip a coin but lost it on the roof. I started thinking, ―What are 

shutters anyway, and what would their natural color be?‖ Then I 

realized that shutters don‘t occur in nature, so they don‘t have a 

natural color. Suddenly, I knew I was just moments away from a 

decision, just moments, finally. Then this gorgeous thing walks 

by, with ruby lips and a derriere the shape of a valentine. I 

swiveled my head around and snapped a tendon. That put the 

decision off for three days. Then I thought, ―Maybe just take off 

the shutters‖; I started to think about moving to a land where 

there are no shutters and, frankly, suicide. But then one day, I 

said to myself, ―Green,‖ and that was it. (GASTON exits to the 

bathroom.) 

PICASSO: My process is just like that, but leave out the start, all 

the middle parts, and jump to the end. If I asked myself what color 

I wanted, it would just slow me down. 

FREDDY: I know what he means. (FREDDY splashes together a 

drink.) 

PICASSO: Well, I see other painters struggling wit it, killing 

themselves over it even. And I don‘t get their worry. I put the

pencil to the paper, and it comes out. Not the craft, mind you, that 

was difficult to get. The ideas are a different matter. The ideas 

swoop down on me, they fall like rain, they land with a crash. 

EINSTEIN: They ―thunk,‖ too. 

PICASSO: Absolutely! They thunk. 

EINSTEIN: You too? 

PICASSO: Yes. And pop. 

EINSTEIN: Well, pop all the time, that goes without saying. They 

never seem to flow though. 

PICASSO: Never. Flowing is a myth. 

EINSTEIN: Never flow. Well, sometimes. 

PICASSO: Yeah, sometimes. 

FREDDY: Where do they come from? 

PICASSO: Before me, artists used to get ideas from the past. But 

as of this moment, they are coming from the future, fast and loose. 

EINSTEIN: Absolutely from the future. 

PICASSO: I think in the moment of the pencil to paper, the future 

is mapped out in the face of the person drawn. Imagine that the 

pencil is pushed hard enough, and the lead goes through the 

paper into another dimension.( PICASSO and EINSTEIN start to 

get excited.) 

EINSTEIN: Yes! 

PICASSO: A kind of fourth dimension, if that‘s what you want to 

call it… 

EINSTEIN: I can‘t believe you‘re saying this! A fourth dimension! 

PICASSO: And that fourth dimension is...the future. 

EINSTEIN: Wrong. 

Einstein: they ―thunk‖, too. 

Picasso: Absolutely! They thunk. 

Einstein: You too?

Picasso: yes. And pop. 

Einstein: Well, pop all the time, that goes without saying. They 

never seem to flow, though. 

Picasso: Never. Flowing is a myth. 

Einstein: Never flow. Well, sometimes. 

Picasso: yeah, sometimes. 

Freddy: Where do they come from? 

Picasso: Before me, artists used to get ideas from the past. But as 

of this moment, they are coming from the future, fast and loose. 

Einstein: Absolutely from the future. 

Picasso: I think in the moment of pencil to paper, the future is 

mapped out in the face of the person drawn. Imagine that the 

pencil is pushed hard enough, and the lead goes through the 

paper into another dimension. 

(Picasso and Einstein start to get excited) 

Einstein: Yes! 

Picasso: A kind of fourth dimension, if that‘s what you want to call 

it… 

Einstein: I cant believe you are saying this! A fourth dimension! 

Picasso: And that fourth dimension is… the future. 

Einstein: Wrong. 

Picasso (arguring): The pencil pokes into the future and sucks up 

ideas and transfers them to the paper, for Christ‘s sake. And what 

the hell do you know about it anyway.. you‘re a scientist! You just 

want theories…

Einstein: Yes, and like you, the theories must be beautiful. Youo 

know why the sun doesn‘t revolve arounf the earth? Because the 

idea is not beautiful enough. If you‘re trying to prove that the sun 

revolves around the earth, in order to make the theory fit the facts, 

you have to have the planets moving backwards, and the sun 

doing loop-the-loops. Too ugly. Way ugly. 

Picasso: So you‘re saying you bring a beautiful idea into being? 

Einstein: Yes. We create a system and see if the facts can fit it. 

Picasso: So you‘re not just describing the world as it is? 

Einstein: No! we are creating a new way of looking at the world! 

Picasso: So you‘re saying you dream the impossible and put it into 

effect? 

Einstein: Exactly. 

Picasso: Brother! 

Einstein: Brother! 

(Picasso and Einstein hug) 

Germaine: Oh please. You two are sprouting a lot of bullshit, and I 

say, the only reason you got into physical and art in the first place 

is to meet girls. 

Picasso and Einstein: What?!!! 

Einstein: You actually think I said to myself, ―How can I meet a lot 

of girls? I know, I‘ll develop a unified field theory‖? 

Germaine: Look, I‘m not saying you‘re not sincere, but let‘s face it, 

(to Einstein) you‘ve got some splashy party talk, and (to Picasso) 

you‘ve got the perfect and oldest pick-up kine: I‘d like to draw you. 

Picasso: That‘s outrageous.

Germaine: Maybe it‘s unconscious. I just think that somewhere 

way back, you realized you weren‘t maybe the handsomest things 

around and decided to go a different route. 

Einstein: I‘m disgusted! 

(a woman enters. She wears glasses; is brainy, wells dressed; 

has long red hair) 

Einstein: Countess! 

Countess: Albert! 

Einstein: Did you go to the Bar Rouge? 

Countess: Of course not, that‘s where you said we‘d meet. 

Einstein: Oh, how stupid of me. Of course, you‘d come here. 

Countess: Now what was that you were saying about it being 

impossible to distinguish motion produced by an outside 

gravitational force? 

Einstien: (aside) God, she‘s sexy!... 

(Einstein and the Countess start to leave.) 

Einstein: (mumbles): It‘s impossible to distinguish, you now, two 

bodies unified… in a field… 

( the Countess pays. Einstein is a little embarrassed but not 

enough to stop her.) 

Einstein: (turns to the room, suddenly waxing rhapsodic) Although 

we may never meet again, like the roots of the sequoia grabbing 

deep in the earth, the ideas we have said here tonight will lace 

themselves irrevocably through the century. 

Picasso: (full of himself) This is the night the earth fell quiet and 

listened to a conversation!

Einstein: (the same) O Lapin Agile! 

Picasso: Picasso, Einstein, Picasso, Einstein. My only regret os 

tjat we‘ll be in different volumes in the encyclopedia 

Einstein: But there‘ll be no Schmendiman to come between us. 

(Einstein and the Countess exit) 

Picasso: I envy him. 

Freddy: Why‘s that? 

Picasso: In science there‘s no reason to ever get cynical. 

Freddy: Why would an artist get cynical? 

Picasso: I think it‘s called marketing. 

Freddy: I‘ve got to run next door and catch Antoine before he 

leaves town without paying his bar tab. (to audience) I might be 

gone a longer amount of time then you‘d think it would take a 

person to run next door and catch Antoine before he leaves town 

without paying his bar tab, but traditionally, it‘s okay. 

(And Freddy exits, Gaston reenters) 

Picasso: Gaston, don‘t you have to pee? 

(Gaston realizes he does and exits. Picasso walks over to 

Germaine, and they kiss; you can tell it‘s not the first time. They 

break.) 

Picasso: Tasty. Quite tasty. 

Germaine: What was I? Dessert? 

Picasso: What do you mean? 

Germaine: I mean how many meals have you had today? 

Picasso: Why be nasty? We‘re not so different…

Germaine: Oh yes, we slept together, but there‘s a difference. 

Women are your world. For me, you are the thing that never 

happened. You and Freddy exist in separate universes. What I do 

in one has nothing to do with the other. 

Picasso: How convenient. 

Germaine: Oh, don‘t get me wrong. I‘m not being nasty. I like you. 

It‘s just that I know about men like you. 

Picasso: Men like me? Where are there men like me? 

Germaine: Have a drink. You don‘t want me to go on. 

Picasso: No, tell me about men like me. 

Germaine: (settles in) A steady woman is important to you 

because then you know for sure you have someone to go home to 

in case you can‘t find someone else. You notice every woman, 

don‘t you? 

Picasso: Many. 

Germaine: I mean, every woman. Waitresses, wives, weavers, 

laundresses, ushers, actresses, women in wheelchairs. You 

notice them, don‘t you? 

Picasso yes 

Germaine and when you see a woman you think‖ i wonder what 

shee would be like‖ you could be bounging you baby on your knee 

and if a woman walks by you wonder what she would be like. 

Picasso go on 

Germaine: you have two in one night when the lies work out and 

you feel its your right the rules dont apply to you because the 

rules were made up buy women and they have to b if there is 

going to be any society at all you cancel one when something 

better comes along and they find you funny bohemian irresistible

you like them young because you can bamboozle them into 

thinking your great you want them when you want them never 

when they want you after words you cant wait to leave or if you un 

lucky enough to have her at your place you cant wait for her to 

leave be cause we dont exist afterwards and all conversation 

becomes meaningless because it not going to get you anywhere 

because it already got you there you‘re unreachable you whole 

ace is a camouflage but you are lucky because you have a true 

talent that you are too wise to abuse and because of that you will 

always be desirable so when you wear out one woman there will 

be another who wants to taste it who wants to be next to someone 

like you so you‘ll never have to earn a woman and you‘‘ll never 

appreciate one. 

Picasso but i appreciate women i draw them dont i 

Germane well that because were so beautiful isnt it 

Picasso Germaine men want and women are wanted that is the 

way it i and thats the way it will always be. 

Germain that may be true but why be greedy by the way i knew 

you were using me but i was using you back 

Picasso how? 

Germaine i know what a painter is like tomorrow night a street 

paver or maybe a newsagent or maybe a boookseller . a street 

paver may not have anything to talk about to a girl like me but i 

can write romantic scenarios in my head and pull them down like a 

screen in front of my to project my fantasies onto like you project 

your fantasies onto a piece of paper. 

Picasso how does freddy fit in why are you with him? 

Germaine his faults i can live with and occasionally occasionally 

he says something so stunning im just glad to have been there but 

really what i wouldn't give for a country boy.

Freddy Well caught him in time 

Germaine not quite 

Female admirer i heard he comes here is that true i meant is that 

really true OH MY GOD ! Oh my got you may i approach may i 

really approach i cant believe it whats it like to be you i mean 

whats it like to be really you....wait a minute your not 

Schmendiman 

Picasso well another typical night 

Gaston i learned something here tonight. 

Freddy whats that gaston 

Gaston you take a couple of geniuses put them in a room together 

and wow 

Freddy boy you really know how to turn a phrase 

Gaston well thank you 

Freddy i was being ironic. 

Gaston so was i thats my own little genius 

EINSTEIN (to the COUNTESS): Apparently, the cat door was 

locked. (He notices where he is) Oh, my God. We‘ve ended up 

where we started from. 

COUNTESS (nudges EINSTEIN): Not only is space curved, so is 

Paris! (The COUNTESS laughs) 

EINSTEIN (to VISITOR): I don‘t believe we‘ve met. 

VISITOR: Oh yes, we will. 

EINSTEIN: You and I think alike. (EINSTEIN starts to move 

toward him) 

VISITOR: Watch the shoes.

EINSTEIN (halts): What do you do? 

VISITOR: Well, ah guess ah… (thinks) sing songs about love. 

(The others take a breath, GERMAINE especially.) 

FREDDY (rhapsodic): If only I could sing songs about love. 

GERMAINE: If I could sing songs about love, I would sing and 

remember lovers past, and the emotion would infuse itself into the 

lyric. 

PICASSO: I would give it all up if I could sing songs about love. 

No more paints and brushes… just the moonlight, the June light, 

and you. 

GATSON: In the summer evenings, I would stand along the Seine 

and just sing, sing, sing. 

EINSTEIN: People crowding in a smoky cabaret to hear the song 

stylings of Albert Einstein… appearing nightly with the 

Kentuckymen. Singing songs as pretty as a summer dress… 

lover‘s hand going into lover‘s hand 

VISITOR: See what I mean, about you all being pretty nice folks? 

(They all are embarrassed. SAGOT enters, carrying a tripod 

camera.) 

SAGOT: Good. You‘re all still here. 

PICASSO: That‘s the camera? 

SAGOT: The latest. 

PICASSO: They‘re making them so small! Where did you get it? 

SAGOT: I bought it from a Japanese tourist. Okay, everybody 

group together over there. (They all start to primp.) 

EINSTEIN: I‘d like to order three one-by-twos and a 

daguerreotype.

SAGOT: Come, everybody. In a row and squeeze together. 

(The others all assemble for the photo.) 

GERMAINE: I hate having my picture taken. 

SAGOT: (to the visitor, who hangs out away from the camera): 

You get in there too. 

VISITOR: Oh, don‘t worry. I‘ll be in it. 

SAGOT: Who are you, by the way? (Sagot buries his head under 

the camera cloth.) 

VISITOR: I guess you could say I‘m a messenger. (Sagot 

emerges from the camera cloth and eyes the visitor up and down, 

then recovers.) 

SAGOT: (announces): On this day in 1904, the Lapin Agile was 

the site of this historic photo. (Schmendiman enters.) 

SCHMENDIMAN: Did someone say, ―Historic photo‖? (He takes 

out a compact, powders his nose, and kneels in front with his 

arms outstretched.) Can you still see the others? 

SAGOT: Sure can. 

SCHMENDIMAN: (disappointed): Oh. 

SAGOT: Okay, everybody, smile. (Erratic smiling. Some do, 

some don‘t. It goes in and out. As some get the smile, others lose 

it.) 

SAGOT: Hold it. You‘re not all smiling. 

EVERYBODY: (ad lib): Well, it‘s difficult, it feels fake. Why? 

(etc.) 

SAGOT: Okay. Okay. How about this? We‘ll think up a word that 

makes the face go naturally into a smile, and we‘ll say it at the 

same time.

EVERYBODY: (ad lib): Yeah, okay . . . good idea. (They all 

think.) 

SAGOT: Hmmm. What‘s the word . . . what‘s the word. I‘ve got it. 

Matisse. 

(Sagot says it a couple of times to check, and his mouth goes into 

a smile. All try as they reform in a group.) 

SAGOT (gets behind the camera): Okay, everyone say ―Matisse.‖ 

One, two, three. 

(They all say it and smile, except PICASSO, who frowns.) 

SAGOT: Try again, one more time. (They say, ―Matisse‖; everyone 

smiles but PICASSO.) 

SAGOT: Picasso, you‘re not smiling! 

PICASSO: Well, I just can‘t! Not if you‘re going to say ―Matisse‖! 

(They all think some more) 

EINSTEIN: How about Rubens? 

PICASSO: Oh, please. 

SAGOT: How about Michelangelo Buonarroti? 

GASTON: We haven‘t got the time for everyone to say 

―Nicholangelo Canelloni‖! 

PICASSO: El Greco! We can say ―El Greco.‖ 

GERMAINE: El Greco doesn‘t make our mouths go in a smile; it 

makes it go in an O. We‘ll all look like fish. (In union, they try ―El 

Grec-oh.‖ They don‘t like it. They all think some more.) 

COUNTESS: I‘ve got one. How about ―twice‖? (Smiles as she 

says it) 

PICASSO: No! Not ―twice.‖

COUNTESS: ―Perky‖? (All shake their heads no. They all start to 

think again.) 

SCHMENDIMAN: How about ―cheese‖? (This stops them. They 

like it.) 

SAGOT: ―Cheese‖ is good. 

SCHMENDIMAN: Chalk up another one for me! 

SAGOT: Okay, everybody say ―cheese.‖ 

(They all say, cheese,‖ and the photo is taken. They are all 

blinded by the flash.) 

SAGOT: Did the flash go off? 

VISTITOR (drinks the vodka and tomato juice): A-well-a, bless-a 

my soul-a, what‘s-a wrong with me? Whew, that‘s strong stuff. 

(Pause as the VISITOR looks at the painting of sheep in a land- 

scape.) 

VISITOR: Boy, oh boy, what a weird paintin‘. 

GASTON: Weird? It‘s just sheep. 

VISITOR: Sheep? Looks like five women to me. 

(Picasso‘s head snaps around to the picture.) 

Visitor: Well, that;s a pretty bold statement, Mr. Picasso, 

considering we both took ideas from the art of the Negro. (Magic 

music. The set pulls away, revealing a backdrop of stars in the 

sky. The painting is still visible. EINSTEIN pops out of his chair, 

looking up.) 

Einstein: Did you see that? 

Visitor: The roof is gone. 

Einstein: The stars have come out.

Picasso: Millions and millions of stars. 

Einstein: You‘re way low. 

Visitor: It‘s night. I didn‘t know it was night, you know, the time 

traveling thing. I arrive, I don‘t know if it‘s lunch or dinner or what. 

I‘ve put on eighteen pounds. Hoping to take it off when I go back. 

Einstein: I‘m going to get a new suit. When I present my paper, I‘d 

like to be wearing a suit. 

Picasso: I wonder what I‘ll be wearing when I paint it? 

Visitor: I‘d like something white with a big belt. (Then:) Did you see 

that? 

Einstein: Shooting star. They hit the atmosphere and burn white. 

Picasso: I‘d like to leave a long trail. A long string of fire. 

Einstein: From the horizon. 

Visitor: Whoosh! 

Picasso: So bright that when you look away, you can still see it 

against your eyes. 

Einstein: I would like that . . . a retention of a vision. 

Visitor: I would like to have it too, although I don‘t know what 

you‘re talking about. 

Picasso: I hope I don‘t die young. 

Einstein: Me too. 

(The VISITOR gulps.) 

Picasso: Are you dead. 

Visitor: Pretty much.

Einstein: How is it? 

Visitor: Overrated. 

Picasso: All those stars. It‘s a miracle. 

Einstein: Not a miracle; that‘s just the way it is. A miracle would be 

if, for example, the stars rearranged themselves and spelled out 

our names across the heavens. 

Picasso: My god! 

Einstein: It‘s a miracle. . . 

Visitor: Just like Vegas. 

Picasso: There‘s my name. 

Einstein: There‘s mine, spelled right to. 

Picasso: (to the Visitor): Don‘t see yours though. 

Visitor: Oh yeah, it‘s there. Right above both of yours and three 

times as big. 

Picasso: Oh yeah. 

Einstein: Humph. 

Visitor: Get used to it, gentlemen, ‗cause that‘s the way it works. 

(Pause) 

Picasso: I want to have the time to make enough things. 

Einstein: That‘s what we do best, make things. 

Picasso: I want to leave the world littered with beauty. 

Einstein: I want to make Newton‘s apple leap back into the tree. 

Visitor: I want to come at them through the radio and break their 

hearts.

Picasso: I want them to see the thousand years of tenderness in 

woman combing her hair. 

Einstein: I want an idea to take them at light speed to the edge of 

the universe. 

Visitor: I want them not to be lonesome tonight. 

Picasso: Hey, I think we should toast. 

Einstein: Got one? 

Picasso: Got a good one. 

Visitor: Sure. 

Sagot: Let‘s. 

Freddy: I‘ll pour. 

Gaston: I‘ll drink. (Germaine pours several drinks, distributes in 

silence.) 

Picasso: I want to toast the twentieth century. . . 

Gaston: Why the twenty century? 

Visitor: Heck, ah know why. 

Freddy: Why? 

Visitor: ‗Cause this century, the accomplishments of artists and 

scientists outshone the accomplishments of politicians and 

governments. (Everyone pauses.) 

Gaston: We shall see. 

Visitor: You can take that to the bank. 

Freddy: I know what he means.

Gaston: You always know what everybody means. What exactly 

does he mean, Freddy? 

Freddy: I do what I can. I‘ll start the toast. You all are pretty good 

rhymers . . . .(He steps forward, swings his arm like a pendulum.) 

The pendulum swings to the left. . .(Freddy signals to the 

Countess.) 

Countess (shrugs): The pendulum swings to the right. (The 

Countess hands it over to Gaston.) 

Gaston: The past was driven by horses . . . (Sounds of agreement 

from others.) 

Einstein: The future is driven by light. (They all give a responsive 

―yeah.‖ It falls to Schmendiman.) 

Schmendiman: Coconuts. . .( Schmendiman can‘t think of 

anything. Freddy steps in.) 

Freddy: The mistakes of the past are over . . . (More enthusiasm.) 

Schmendiman: ( Steps forward): The pelican‘s a funny. . .(Again, 

Schmendiman can‘t think of anything. He sits down.) 

Sagot: Say good-bye to the age of indifference . . . (They respond 

with more ―hear, hears.‖ Sagot hands it over to the Visitor.) 

Visitor: And say hello. . .(Everybody anticipates). . .to the age. . 

.(More anticipation. They all start to toast enthusiastically.) . . . 

(On ‖regret,‖ they stop short and stare at the Visitor. Momentary 

deflation. Then:) 

Picasso: To the twentieth century! 

Einstein: To the twentieth century! 

Everybody: To the twentieth century!(The lights start to dim or 

curtain starts to drop.)

Visitor (eyes the lights): Isn‘t it amazing how play fit exactly 

between the time that the lights came up and the lights went 

down? (or: ―the curtain went up and the curtain went down?‖) 

THE END

Picasso at the Lapin Agile By Steve Martin

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