Dear Dáithí: 'I'm worried my nephew needs extra supports — but my family are ignoring me' 

So, I am from a family of five, all of us siblings and my parents are very close - my boyfriend says we are all 'living in each other's pockets’! 

My eldest sister has a son and he is the first grandchild and we all adore him. My nephew is starting primary school next September. I actually spend a lot of time with him, and I can see very clear signs that there may be extra needs there. 

He has a lot of behavioural issues and certain mannerisms and ticks. He didn't go to nursery or creche as my mam and dad and all of us rowed in to provide childcare. 

My mam says it's just that he is so used to adult company, and he'll be fine once he makes friends his own age in school. 

I tried to broach it with my sister (she is a single parent and is very protective of her son) and she got really upset with me. 

My nephew can't throw a ball properly, he can't really play things like Lego or blocks, he has meltdowns all the time and I think his speech isn't what it should be for his age. 

I don't want to upset my family, but I know early intervention is key and I feel we are all just ignoring the problem. 

How do I get them to do what's right for my nephew so he can manage school? They think I am being mean about him!

You say you have a problem that you can’t talk to your family about but really you have a family problem that you can’t talk about with them, well... you can talk but nobody wants to listen, and this can be a very frustrating place for you to be, especially when you can see the wood from the trees. 

Because you are a very tight group and this a great thing, it does bring its own problems - just like this one.

The bottom line here is that you are worried about your nephew as he is about to head into primary school and you want him to be in a good place.

I, like a lot of people reading this at the beginning, maybe thought that your nephew, being the first grandchild on both sides, might have been spoilt and that this might have been an issue, but I think not. 

Not being able to throw a ball or put Lego together wouldn’t send any flares up for me - sometimes children are not interested in certain things, but the meltdowns and speech issues would alarm me. 

He never went to creche because he was lucky enough to have grandparents and other family members around him and when a child has issues, they might not be picked up at home like they would in nursery or a playschool.

Professionals in those situations would be on the lookout for signs and would alert parents. 

We were lucky enough that Rita stayed at home with our fella, but we did send him to creche for the social side of things, and to make sure we weren’t missing something.

This is where you have come in and spotted something. You have spent a lot of time with this young boy, and you know him well and for you to write in about this shows that you are really worried about a genuine problem. 

Here is a very honest question for you. What happens if you do nothing? 

And because nobody else wants to even talk about it, you are alone with this one. I would go back though, and try and speak to your sister about it, have examples of what you think is wrong, but also have the solutions for her. Having the solutions will soften the blow. 

I think the first stop is probably the child's GP who can advise further if they think more investigations are needed - or indeed, they might put your sister's mind at ease and say he is hitting those developmental milestones. 

Either way, at least you will all have a plan that's best for your nephew.

You are worried about upsetting her, well, she’ll have to grow up and get over herself. If an issue like this isn’t dealt with now, she will be dealing with a lot more down the line, I imagine bullying and what have you. She can do something about this now. 

Your mother has an old-style way of looking at this, and I would love to say she’s right, but I wouldn’t be banking on it - the world has moved on, and with the fact that you know this boy so well, I’d follow your gut on this.

Because your sister is a single mother, it is no wonder that she is very protective of him, but she can’t be there all the time, he’ll need to be able to walk in his own shoes and if a young child needs help, the earlier he or she gets it the better. 

It's important your sister understands this, for the child’s sake and her own too.

We do have time on our hands, he isn’t starting school until September, but you will have to get the ball rolling sooner rather than later.

I would try and see if one or two of your siblings will back you here. Is there one who might think you’re right about this? 

I know your boyfriend is with you but might be reluctant to get involved as he sees that ye all live in each other’s pockets (not sure if he’s very happy about that, keep an eye on that one). 

You’ll have to meet with your sister about it either way because doing nothing is not an option.

Now, if there is still nobody listening to you, what do you? Remember, doing nothing is not an option. 

I would find out who his teacher is and have a word and ask to keep an eye out for a few signs that you have seen, if your sister ever asks just say you mentioned it in passing. 

People might say you are crossing the line here and you probably are. But what’s the alternative? 

There might be no issue here and everything might be fine and if there is something up the teacher will say it to your sister and then she’ll have to do something. 

Yes, we are being a little sneaky here but sometimes to have to be, you have your nephew’s best interests at heart and that is the main thing.