Colman Noctor: Is my teen old enough to be home alone over the summer?

He is too young to apply for a summer job, so he has few other options. My concerns are not only about how he will ‘fill his time’ but also about who will keep an eye on him as his mother and I work full-time. Three months is a long time to be alone for most of the day, and he won’t have the company of his younger siblings, who will spend most of their summer break attending various camps.

I worry that if he is left unsupervised with nothing to do, he will revert to his default activities: watching YouTube videos on his phone or playing games on his console. Ordinarily, I would be confident that if he had the option to spend time with his friends, he would choose that over being on a device every time. While we don’t live far from his peers, they seem to struggle to organise their social lives.

The pandemic lockdowns particularly impacted this age group's ability to navigate their social world. Before covid arrived, they were part of the playdate generation and their parents managed their social world. However, when the lockdown restrictions were lifted, they were too old to rely on their parents to organise their social activities, and an over-reliance on technology to communicate emerged.

Parents often ask how much independence they should offer their teenage children, especially as summer approaches. This dilemma is complicated by the belief that teens just ‘hanging around’ are now regarded as socially undesirable.

Societal trends in recent decades have changed our approach to childhood independence. We often hear accounts of how children in the 80s and 90s would be given considerable freedom compared to children today. Many who grew up during this time recall how they headed out in the morning, only returning home for meals and when it got dark. Interestingly, this same generation is particularly cautious about affording their children the same freedom now. If we speak so highly of these aspects of our childhoods, why are we not giving our children the same opportunities?

Perhaps the world was different back then. Three decades ago, there was far less traffic on the roads, so commuting by foot or bike was less risky. However, I believe the most significant change is that our sense of community was stronger in rural and urban settings.

When I was a teenager out and about on my BMX during the summer holidays in the early 1990s, my parents knew everyone who lived within a six-mile radius of our home. There was no shortage of eyes keeping a lookout for me. The fear of ‘stranger danger’ was far less, too. The well-worn phrase, ‘it takes a village to raise a child,’ was especially true, but that village no longer exists for many people today.

Independence is a rite of passage

 Many parents describe to me how they only know a handful of families in their area. This lack of a collective community means an unsupervised teenager is less likely to be supported if they experience challenges. When my friends and I sat on village walls in the '90s, most people knew us and our families, so we posed no threat - they knew we weren’t ‘up to no good’.

In the past, 14-year-olds were often used as babysitters, whereas now, 14-year-olds frequently require babysitters. While there are many reasons for this, it's not a positive development.

Coming of age as a teenager has always been a part of our culture. The transition between childhood and adulthood is well documented in popular culture, from Ferris Bueller to Harry Potter. Only last week, we were watching the Spielberg classic The Goonies on RTÉ when my youngest remarked on how lucky the characters were to all be allowed out so late on their bikes.

Independence is a rite of passage, and teens need to learn how to become problem-solvers and autonomous decision-makers. I worry what will happen if they are not afforded this opportunity.

The answer to the question: 'How much independence should we give our young teenagers?' is simple: as much as they can manage safely. The more autonomy and responsibility teenagers take on without becoming overwhelmed or overburdened, the better for their social and emotional fitness and overall maturity levels.

That said, I am nervous about affording my teenage son his opportunity of independence this summer. I have been prepping him by leaving him in the house alone for short periods, which he has managed well. He knows he can call me anytime if he encounters any challenges. I have been encouraging him to take a more active role in preparing his meals and snacks and coaching him on basic practicalities. He has become familiar with turning the heating system and the house alarm on and off and has mastered the air fryer. (The laundry basket, washing machine, and clothesline are proving more challenging for him to engage with.) I am also encouraging him to ask his friends to spend time in our house so that, hopefully, it could become a habit over the summer. I have invested in a basketball hoop to give for outdoor exercise, and I plan for him to join our local pitch and putt club, where he will hopefully spend time over the summer.

As much as his extended summer break from school is a logistical headache for me as a parent, I see the time as an opportunity for him to develop independence and hopefully have a positive knock-on effect on his maturity.

Learning to navigate the world alone

The key to parenting is pacing how we step back so our children can move forward. Sometimes, enabling them to become more independent can create anxiety in us as parents. It is more convenient to keep a watchful eye and molly-coddle them. However, change cannot occur without some sense of vulnerability, and this discomfort is necessary for them to progress and become more independent.

This leap into independence is probably more challenging for me than for my son. However, he will only become more capable and mature if he can practice and learn to navigate the world alone. Competence is not an innate skill — it requires opportunity, practice, and perhaps even a moderate degree of failure and error.

This summer will be my son’s opportunity to gain some independence, and I need to tolerate the anxiety that these risks will involve.

If I offer him the space to grow without being unsafe or overwhelmed, it should all be OK. Hopefully.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist